It seems that talking about sex is something customary in many situations, but being able to do it with the people you are in a relationship with is not obvious.
Sex and communication have a complicated relationship
As we have seen when speaking of repressed sexuality and sexual blocks, we live in a society where addressing certain discourses is still taboo, despite bodies and seductive messages being used every day in marketing. Sometimes this gives us the illusion that sexuality is something we can always talk about. In reality, whether there is a problem between the sheets, or whether you want to share a sexual fantasy with the other person, communicating clearly about it is not easy at all.
What are we afraid of?
In a couple relationship - or in any other type of relationship in which we share our sexuality with someone else - communicating is essential: the other person, no matter how close he is with us and loves us, cannot read our thoughts.
However, speaking openly about a problem or a desire means making yourself vulnerable and exposing yourself to the risk that the other person will judge you, or get angry, jealous or deny the matter.
This leads many people to indulge in unsatisfying sexuality, thinking they can't ask for more. Sex, however, in this case is only the content that shows us the shape and size of a larger container: the relationship.
If I don't feel safe enough to open up about such an important issue, I have to ask myself what the reasons could be and not just focus on the sexual aspect, which in this case could be just the tip of the iceberg.
The origin of the problem
The beliefs we have learned about sex condition the way we experience it as a couple and in relationships.
- If we associate sexuality with moral integrity, the emotions that will arise in us will probably be shame, guilt, judgement, modesty.
- If we think that there are predefined roles in sex (active, passive, dominant, submissive) and that these are associated with gender roles or gender expression, we will find it hard to get out of a rigid way of experiencing intimacy and we it will be difficult to experience it as a world to explore, which changes and which always has something new and interesting for us to try.
- If we think that talking openly about something we don't like (or about something we would like!) means to offend the other person or demonstrate greed, in the long run the matter could probably crawl out of bed and become a frustration that goes to invading other aspects of the relationship.
Working on yourself, working together
For this reason, before thinking about solving the problem together, it is first of all important to ask yourself questions about your beliefs and fears, and try to question them.
Furthermore, it is essential to work on one's own language and on the way in which a need can be communicated. If we accuse the other person or express ourselves too dryly, we risk acting out our dissatisfaction destructively instead of expressing it constructively. Here are some practical examples to try to communicate assertively:
"I don't like how you touch me"
"I'd rather you touch me some other way, can I show you how?"
"You only think about yourself!"
“Can I show you a way I would like to enjoy?”
“I'm bored, we always do the same things!”
“Do you want to try something new?”
Know how to ask for help
It is not always possible to work on these communication problems independently. The professional figure specialized in sexology can often lend a great hand: a journey together does not mean that there is something to "fix": it means instead that there is awareness regarding the fact that the lack of sex education - added to the fears and personal insecurities and the fact that we don't grow up on bread and effective communication - it risks affecting our relationship and not making us live well.
It is always worth putting yourself in expert hands for the sake of pleasure and relational serenity!
Article by Dania Piras - Expert in Typical and Atypical Sexuality